When pilots face unexpected challenges in the air, they rely on a structured response: Aviate, Navigate, Communicate—in that order. This method ensures they maintain control of the aircraft, determine their course, and then communicate their needs effectively. What if we applied this same principle to relationships, especially in times of conflict?

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This was what Captain Tom (name changed for privacy), a retired Navy Pilot and commercial airline pilot, discovered when his marriage was verging on collapse. Having spent over 30 years flying planes across the globe, Tom was expert at handling high-pressure situations in the cockpit; but when it came to handling conflict with his wife, Sarah, he often found himself in turbulence with no clear path forward.

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The conflict that nearly ended a marriage

After retiring, Tom struggled with the transition from his structured, high-stakes career to everyday life at home. The lack of routine left him feeling restless, and his relationship with Sarah began to suffer. Disagreements would escalate quickly, leading to days of silence and unresolved frustration. The marriage that had survived years of distance due to his demanding job was now struggling in the face of constant proximity.

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Once after another heated argument, Tom found himself reflecting on the principles that had kept him safe in the air for decades. Aviate, Navigate, Communicate. He had applied these principles to flying but had never thought to apply them to his marriage. He made a decision—he would approach conflict in his relationship the same way he approached cockpit emergencies.

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Applying the pilot's mindset to marriage

Tom began seeing a therapist who helped him bridge the gap between his technical mindset and his emotional intelligence. Together, they explored how his natural strengths as a pilot could be repurposed to strengthen his marriage.

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Aviate: stay in control

In aviation, “aviate” means keeping the aircraft stable and under control, no matter what is happening. For Tom, this meant recognizing that before addressing any conflict, he needed to regulate his emotions. Instead of reacting immediately with frustration or shutting down, he practiced pausing, taking deep breaths, and reminding himself that staying emotionally steady was the first priority.

Through therapy, Tom learned mindfulness techniques to help him remain calm during difficult conversations. In arguments with Sarah, his instinct had always been to take control—much like he did in the cockpit. But in a relationship, control is not about dominance; it is about emotional stability.

Instead of shutting down or becoming defensive, Tom practiced grounding himself. He would never make rash decisions mid-flight, so he stopped making rash statements in arguments. First, stay steady. Don’t escalate. Keep the marriage stable.

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Navigate: find the right direction

Once stability is established, a pilot determines his course—navigating the best path forward. In relationships, this step requires understanding the root of the conflict before reacting.

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With his therapist’s guidance, Tom worked on asking himself a crucial question during conflict: What is really happening here? Instead of assuming Sarah was unreasonable, he sought to understand her emotions and perspectives. Instead of immediately defending himself, Tom paused and reflected: Am I really listening, or am I just waiting for my turn to speak? This shift in mindset helped him approach disagreements with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

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Communicate: engage with clarity and purpose

The final step for pilots in an emergency is to communicate with air traffic control to ensure a safe resolution. In relationships, communication should come after emotional regulation (Aviate) and perspective-taking (Navigate).

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Tom practiced expressing himself calmly and with intention, using “I” statements rather than accusatory language. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” he reframed it: “I feel disconnected when I don’t feel heard.” This small shift made a big difference.

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Equally important, he practiced active listening—acknowledging Sarah’s feelings before responding. Their conflicts became discussions rather than battles.

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Teaching his wife the principle that changed their marriage

As Tom became more confident in this new approach, he decided to share it with Sarah. One evening over dinner, he explained: “I’ve been thinking about our conflicts like I would an emergency in the air. In aviation, we follow three steps: Aviate—keep control of the plane; Navigate—figure out where we’re going; and Communicate—relay information clearly. I need to do the same with us.”

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Sarah was intrigued. For years, she had struggled to understand how Tom processed stress. When he explained how therapy had helped him apply these skills to their marriage, she felt a newfound appreciation for his efforts.

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From then on, when conflict arose, Sarah began using the same language. If an argument started escalating, she would gently remind Tom: “Aviate first.” It became their shared framework for working through difficulties.

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How therapy helped transform their relationship​​

Therapy played a critical role in helping Tom bridge the gap between his structured mindset and emotional connection. He learned to view conflict not as something to “fix” but as an opportunity to deepen their understanding of each other. For Sarah, the biggest shift was feeling like she was finally being heard—not just as a problem to be solved but as a partner to be understood. The combination of Tom’s structured approach of aviate, navigate, and communicate and the couple’s mutual commitment to therapy created a stronger, more resilient marriage.

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Seeking Guidance? Therapy Can Help.

Just as pilots rely on training to handle turbulence, relationships thrive when we learn and practice new skills. If you are struggling to navigate conflict in your relationships, professional counseling can provide the tools to improve communication, regulate emotions, and build deeper connections.

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